king of wishful thinking
by AtLoLevad
Summary: A little look into Tony's mindset, right around the events of "She"


"Thanks for watching her, Dad," Tony offered up a tired smile that was broken by a yawn. He scrubbed a hand over his face, pulling the skin down. His bag and jacket were piled on the floor and Tony was just about ready to pass out himself.

Senior clapped Tony on the shoulder, a jovial look on his face. "My pleasure, son. You got a great kid there. Told me a whole story about fairy princesses and their forms of government, surprisingly enough."

"Yeah," Tony laughed. "McGee sent a whole bunch of those Schoolhouse Rock videos. Tali can't get enough."

It was a strange obsession for the five-year-old, but it wasn't something Tony was going to fight her on. Not when there were so many other things that he had to worry about.

"Speaking of McGee," Senior snapped his fingers in the air a few times. Tony waited while his father recalled what he had been about to say. Senior eventually said, "he called."

Raising an eyebrow, Tony tilted his head and said, "and?"

"He was looking for you. Wouldn't say what about, but it sounded...well, the boy sounded shaken up," Senior said, his expression growing serious. "I told him you were on your way back and he asked that you call him as soon as you got in."

His heart sinking, Tony nodded. A shaken-up McGee couldn't be a good sign. If he were being honest, every call from McGee in the last three years had been accompanied by a knot forming in his gut. He was always worried that this would be the call - the call that confirmed all of his worst fears about Ziva. Three years after he had initially arrived in Paris and had gotten a brief message that she was safe, he was never sure if that would continue to be the case.

He hadn't heard from her since the original message and his heart broke more and more each day.

"Okay, yeah, I'll call him," Tony said, leaning heavily against the counter. "Thanks again, dad."

"You know I'd do anything for that little girl," Senior smiled. He watched Tony's reaction, sympathy and pride for his son and the way he had grown in the past three years.

Tony nodded and smiled softly. Almost to himself, he said, "me too, dad. Me too."

Senior patter Tony on the back. "You're a good dad, Tony. Remember that. Now, will I see you two for breakfast tomorrow?"

"Yeah, I'm sure T would love to see you again before heading to school," Tony replied. "It's late. Why don't you stay here?"

"Oh no," Senior shook his head. "I need a little peace and quiet. Tali gets up far too early for an old man like me."

Snorting a laugh, Tony couldn't help but agree. Tali was an early bird - just one of the many ways she took after Ziva. He followed his dad to the door and thanked him again as he left, locking up.

Tali was asleep and Tony wanted nothing more than to crash himself, but he looked down at his watch. Only 3 in the afternoon in D.C.

Better call McGee now, instead of having the anxious pit in his stomach grow throughout the night.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and dialled the familiar number.

"Tony?" McGee sounded surprised to hear from him.

Tony laughed a little. "So surprised, McGoo. I'm just returning your call."

McGee hesitated on the other end, static crackling a little in Tony's ears. The delay was starting to get annoying, but as Tony opened his mouth, McGee cut in and said, "It's Ziva."

The two words, so simply stated, send Tony's heart to his feet. His fingers felt icy and his tongue was numb in his mouth as he managed to croak out, "Is she -?"

"No!" Tim shouted and then fumbled for words. "I don't - we didn't - it's still the same on our end. No new evidence."

He was suddenly glad that he'd shared his suspicions - hopes - that Ziva was still alive with his best friend. At least it gave him someone on the other side of the Atlantic, with higher security clearance, to do some digging too.

So now, Tony took heart that his best friend still believed Ziva was alive out there, but that didn't explain why he was calling. His heartbeat returned to a normal, steady pace and he asked, "Then what is it, Tim?"

"We found...I don't know, it's this woman's guest house basically. Ziva used it as an office," Tim said, sounding just as confused as Tony felt. "She had notebooks just filled with her notes on all of our cases. She wrote down how she felt and everything."

Tony's head was spinning. Notebooks? He hadn't known that Ziva wrote down all of her feelings. And in a secret office too? He rubbed a hand over his eyes and shook his head - trying to clear the confusion.

"I don't ... " he paused. "I didn't know she kept journals. That's ... god, Tim. There's still so much I don't know about her."

Tim made a small sympathetic noise. "So you didn't know," he said and it was more a statement than a question.

"No," Tony said shortly, "I didn't know. Goddamn it, Ziva."

"I'm sorry, Tony," Tim's tone was sincere and raw from his own hurt.

"Me too," Tony scoffed. His heart had already been battered and now knowing that there was another facet to Ziva that she had kept a secret was like the cherry on top of a particularly emotional sundae. He rubbed a hand over his eyes and said, "What else did you need, Tim? I don't know how I can help you."

The line was silent for a few beats - both men obviously struggling with where to go from here.

"She's gotta be out there, Tony," Tim said quietly. "I know she is."

Tony grumbled a noncommittal noise. Tim sighed. After a few tense, silent moments, Tim sighed again, "I'll let you know if anything changes, Tony."

"I know," Tony replied quietly. And then a thought struck him, "What case are you working?"

"Morgan Burke's," Tim said. "Her daughter escaped the basement where they were being held, now it's all hands on deck to find Morgan."

"Shit," Tony breathed. Morgan Burke had been one of Ziva's first. The case where she had felt guiltiest for turning it over to Metro. He hadn't known that the case had bothered her for years. He ran a shaky hand through his hair and said, "Can you let me know how the investigation shakes out?"

"Of course, Tony," McGee agreed immediately. "Ziva...she would've been happy that Morgan was alive all these years, right?"

Would she? Tony wondered. Sure, Morgan had been alive, but she had been held captive with her young daughter and who knew what kind of trauma the two of them had suffered. Ziva had suffered her own trauma, and now, after having Tali, he could only imagine that the inclusion of a young daughter would have only made Ziva even more upset. He couldn't say for certain though - and that was what frustrated him the most. He had thought he knew everything - or nearly everything - about Ziva, but the past six years had really thrown him for a loop.

"I don't know, Tim," he finally answered honestly. "I just don't know."

Tim, hearing the weary exhaustion creep into Tony's voice, nodded to himself and said, "It'll be okay, Tony. I'll keep you in the loop. Say hi to Tali for us."

"Yeah," Tony agreed distractedly. He hung up and tossed his phone onto the couch, not intending on using it for the rest of the night.

"Fuck, Ziva," he grumbled to himself, angry at her and at himself. She'd been so slippery after the initial hint at their survival. All of his attempts to find her had proven fruitless and he was getting tired of the wild goose chase. He just wanted her home, with him and Tali. He wanted to be a whole family - raising their daughter and finally, finally getting it right.

Still stewing in his agitation, Tony crept into Tali's room. The nearly six-year-old was fast asleep, as his father had promised. Tony stood in the doorway, leaning against the door jamb to watch her. Tali was curled into a little ball, just a lump under her blankets.

Tony smiled to himself - he knew from experience that within the hour Tali would be splayed out like a starfish, her mouth hanging open in a light snore and Kalev clutched loosely in her hand, but dancing precariously over the edge of the bed. But for now, she was peaceful and calm and so, so precious to him.

She huffed out a few soft breaths and Tony's heart constricted in his chest. Ziva was missing so much. As much as Tony had missed in the first 18 months of Tali's life, Ziva had missed even more in the past 3 years. He hated it.

Tali rolled over in bed, letting out a soft grumble, and Tony stepped into the room and up to her bed. He leaned one hand on the mattress and brushed back Tali's unruly curls with the other. Tali's face relaxed ever further under his touch and Tony smiled at her.

"Night, kiddo. We both love you so much," he muttered, pressing a lingering kiss to her forehead.

Tali's nose wrinkled up and she let out a soft sigh. Pulling her blankets up around her chest, Tony tucked his daughter in a little more before heading back out into the hallway. He kept the door open a crack - just in case Tali woke up - and padded off to his bedroom to unpack.

* * *

The days passed and Tony was updated on the Morgan Burke case. Tension in his shoulders that he hadn't even realized he was carrying subsided when he heard from Tim that the woman had been found, alive.

Bishop had been surprisingly subdued when Tony had FaceTimed the team. She smiled tightly at him and waved off his impressed commentary about how she had saved Morgan from drowning. She'd only hung around for a few minutes before making an excuse and scurrying out of frame.

"What's up with her?" Tony asked, once it was just Tim left on screen.

The younger man shrugged. "No idea. She's been a little strange since she rescued Morgan. Quiet, a little skittish, maybe?"

Tony frowned contemplatively. "Keep an eye on her, Tim."

"I will," Tim promised. And then the conversation turned to their kids with McGee sharing stories about the milestones that Johnny and Morgan had just recently hit. Tony reclined back on the couch and smiled at the stories.

Even as he smiled, though, it was a little bittersweet since he hadn't been able to see Tali meet those same milestones. A mean, little part of his brain hated Ziva for taking that away from him, from robbing him of the ability to talk parenting shop with his best friend. He wished he was able to give McGee advice on sleep patterns and colic and which pacifier worked best, but he couldn't and he couldn't help but blame Ziva.

He listened quietly for a few more minutes before Tim had to get going and hung up. It was late in Paris, but Tony wasn't tired, even though he had been going all day. There was a small stack of files on his coffee table - he could flip through them and get a head start for the day tomorrow. Or he could do what he usually did when he was feeling angry and restless and lost, which was most nights.

Tony flipped on the TV and set the volume low so the Bond movie wouldn't wake Tali. He kicked his feet up and zoned out to the noise, distracted.

He and Tali had fallen into a rhythm and now being a single father wasn't as terrifying as it had been. But he was actively aware that as Tali got older, she would be more of a handful - asking more questions, wondering where her mother was, testing Tony's limits. He was terrified when he thought about it. Not for the first time that evening, he grumbled about how unfair Ziva had been for springing Tali on him the way she had. His adamant belief that she was alive had gotten him through those horrible, scary first months. But now he just wanted her to come home. He wanted - needed - his partner.

Leaving him to raise their daughter alone had been her most selfish move, he thought. More selfish than keeping her from him for a year and a half. His better angels reminded him that Ziva was missing more time with Tali than Tony had, but right now, in the late night hours, he knocked those angels off his shoulder and wallowed.

"Abba?" Tali's little voice broke through Tony's bitter thoughts.

"Hey, munchkin," Tony scrambled to sit up straight. He rested his elbows on his knees and leaned forward. "Whatsa matter?"

Tali's big brown eyes were watery and she clutched Kalev in a death grip. She bolted across the room and threw herself onto Tony's lap. A little startled, he gathered her up and wrapped his arms around her, rocking gently back and forth. Tony stroked a hand over her messy bed-head and mumbled soothing words into her ear.

"I thought you left," she whispered sadly, pressing her face into his chest and sniffling. Her little hand gripped his t-shirt, bunching the fabric.

Tony's heart shattered in his chest.

"Hey, no, it's okay. I'm here. I'm always here," he held his daughter tighter and kissed the top of her head. "It was just a bad dream."

"I don't want you to leave!" Tali wailed, burrowing further into his embrace.

"Tali, honey, I'm not leaving. I promise. I promise," he repeated the words like a mantra, chanting them a little bit crazily. He had always wondered if Ziva leaving would have a longer effect on Tali, even though she had been so little - now, apparently, he had his answer.

Eventually, Tali sobbed herself to the point of exhaustion and passed out. Tony could feel her grip on his shirt slacken, but he didn't release his hold on her.

"I'm always here for you," he murmured against her curls, turning his head to rest his cheek against the top of her head.

* * *

_A/N: so is everyone dead from the ziva reveal? i've been screaming about it since tuesday and i'm so hyped for september now!_

_anyway, i've had this started since "she" aired and originally it was going to be longer and there was going to be a tiva and tali reunion, but i've been away from this fic for so long, i kind of forgot where I was going with it. luckily, i works as it's own fic the way i left it! so, enjoy! leave me a review and lets scream about ziva's triumphant return!_


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